Friday, April 20, 2007

hindsight and beyond

there are lots of subtle nuances that go by unnoticed and then a life-changing event happens and you can see all those things lining up as would be premonitions and think why didn't i see this coming. ...?
over the last year i've been having many dreams of my grandma with her dyed-brown afro, in the warm sun, preparing a picnic. she is in a brown pair of polyester koulats and has chanklas on her feet. for the most part, i only see her from the waist down and am mesmerized by her smooth, tan legs. i'm guessing i'm a child in these dreams, or at least have a childlike perspective. i usually wake up from these dreams feeling cheated, because i don't get to have that grandma ever again. i don't get to resent her for sticking her nose in my business and i don't get to yell at her. i also don't get to sit next to her while she reads romance novels and i definitely don't get to sneak into her stash of fresh homemade tortillas.
last week i had a dream that she was in her hospital bed and she was not well. i was there, but i wasn't. it was very different from the dreams i'm used to having about her and i didn't feel any better about it. for some reason, every time my dad called this week i was afraid something had happened to her.
well, i got the call yesterday. she's begun throwing fits. she has ripped off her clothes and refuses to put them back on. she acts like the water forced down her throat burns. she's not eating. ...
up until a week ago she had an appetite twice as large as mine. now she maybe eats a portion of applesauce in a day. she's on heavy doses of morphine and in hospice care.
i look at the last month and think, why did i not plan for this. it seems so obvious to me now. but i could never plan for something this tragic. you just can't foresee this sort of thing.
anyway, i'm flying out in about 12 hours to be with my family and wait for her to go. it may not happen while i'm there, but it will happen soon.
and yesterday was beginning so nicely. i should have known seeing ted leo twice in one week would upset the gods. now i know better. ...