Sunday, February 04, 2007

he tried to kill independant shanny

So, the other night I went out with Sasha Wigglesworth. We started out by going to Walgreen’s and buying painfully domestic items making us look like lesbian life partners—especially considering that I was carrying her toilet paper around the store and she was buying medicine for her cat. I felt like yelling: "we're only lesbians from the waist up!!"
Then, we went to some hole-in-the-wall, dive bar. I ended up drinking a little much, as it is what I do. I also ended up dancing a bit, as that is also what I do. When the bartender laid down the law, and by that I mean the "it's 2 am, get out of my dirty bar" law, we decided we absolutely needed pizza. We went to QFC. We picked up two cheese pizzas, muchos chips and ice cream. This seemed like the best possible idea. YAY!
We took are smorgasbord of crap to Boz Scabs’ apartment. While we were there, this boy kept insisting I sit by him. For the sake of this conversation, we will call him Cap'n Underpants. So, Cap'n Underpants kept putting his little boy arm around my man eater shoulders and whenever I tried to talk to my friends, Cap'n Underpants kept pulling me back under his chicken little wing. I'm an enthusiastic gal—incidentally, not so enthusiastic about a tether. For cripe's sake! I'm a person, not a bird of prey! During the course of the evening he asked if I was "taken." I replied "no. I don't get taken" and he said that was surprised that a great gal like me wasn't "taken." this was all too juvenile for me to take in all at once. I didn't know from which angle to attack it.
First, there was the Cap’n’s choice of words. Why the hell do I need to be taken? This implies an element of ownership that I am just not comfortable with. It’s not like I’m a really nice handbag that you come across at Value Village and think: “geez, why isn’t this taken?”
When we're not taken, are we really always looking? That doesn't seem like a productive way to live and appreciate life. If I were actually taken, then I wouldn't be able to get drunk and make out with strangers! And, as we all know, this is my life's work.
Also, does the fact that I am not owned by anyone make me a less great gal? Because, in case you need me to tell you, I am a very great gal! I’m so great, I've got greatness spilling out of my butt!
Then there was the fact that it all felt so high school. "Are you taken? No. And you? No" BAM!! True love! yea. I don't really think so.
I'm not really sure what he was thinking, but I'm quite sure I would probably crush him.
I don't need empty proclamations about me being awesome. I know I'm awesome! I'm my number one fan. What I want to hear is insightful evidence of what makes me awesome. I don’t need to be convinced that I’m fabulous, but I need to be convinced that this fact is fully understood.
I also know that one could never hope to comprehend and embrace all of my complexities in one drunken evening. Anyone who attempts this will always seem patronizing. That's my rule
However, the most compelling reason why I could not find it in myself to jive with Cap'n Underpants--it's too close to Single's Awareness Day! I look forward to this day every year and he wanted to steal that from me. He wanted to try to make me celebrate VALENTINE'S DAY! How dare he?!? Independent Shanny would be crushed; she needs this day.
This is the most significant reason why I had to wriggle myself out of his vice grip and get the hell out of dodge. It was the most liberating hung over bus ride ever!
This event has given me the feeling that this month will be a battle for my soul. I'll have only my cunning to protect me. I'll have to be on my toes, but I think I can thwart any evil attempt at evasive charm tactics that I may encounter.
So far the war tally is BOYS: 0 SINGLE'S AWARENESS DAY: 1
Evil doers beware! In this mission, failure is not an option