Wednesday, February 03, 2010

cavaties and paper cuts

That is what results from faux-romance driven holidays that focus on consumerism, candy, and card stock.
So, this is February. The time of the year when all the couples in the world pair up and forget the existence of all other human life. In actuality, my truthiness statistic indicates that approximately 90% of all couples break up on or around Valentine's Day. If you have not experienced this phenomenon, then you're dodging a bullet that surely cannot be dodged for very long.
Suitable alternative? Have no fear; I've found one. I find it better to celebrate a different holiday than the violent, fat, naked baby holiday pushed by greeting card and chocolate companies. What's the holiday you ask? Why it's Single's Awareness Day! On this day you will find me in neither pink nor red, for the colours of S.A.D are navy and chartreuse.
How do you celebrate this wonderful holiday? Another good question. Thanks for asking, readership.

My suggestions include:
1. Make and name a piñata after a past lover. The difference between the piñata and your former love is that it's ok to beat a piñata with a stick until you are able to get the sweetness to come pouring out.
2. For every nice thing you say to a single person, say 5 not-so-nice things to that obnoxious couple ahead of you in line for [insert tedious errand required of most grown ups here]. you know who they are: "no i love you more, schmoopy." Or just go out of your way to do something really nice. (For instance, when you're buying your local homeless-run newspaper, like i know you were already planning on doing anyway, give them an extra dollar.)
3. Fly a kite and/or catch raindrops on your tongue (these are climate-based suggestions).
4. Pamper yourself. Get a foot and/or hand massage. Regardless of your gender, your hands and feet work hard for you and deserve a reward from time-to-time.
5. Replace one green vegetable in your meals with dessert all day, and if you were already planning on eating dessert--double dessert!
6. Just get rid of that box of letters and move on already!
7. Part your hair on the opposite side, so you can see how you look to other people.
8. Learn how to count and say your A,B,Cs in another language (or learn the alphabet of your native tongue).
9. Try a new food you always thought you would hate, but this time do it pretending you've always thought you'd love it. (this is especially good for people IN relationships to do w/o their significant other. This is good because there isn't anyone there to say "i knew you'd like it!" it can be your little secret).
10. Get ridiculously dressed up and go to the grocery store. You'll feel like a celebrity--everyone will stop and look at you (not that they don't already).

The wonderful thing about this holiday is that you don't actually need to be single to celebrate it. Much like you don't need to be African American to celebrate Black History Month, which I might add is this month as well. You just need to be willing to spend a consumer holiday not being a consumer whore! Instead, grab a pal (your Single Awareness Partner) and do whatever satisfies your flights of fancy--you know you want to!
Let me know if you want me to be your S.A.P., I'll be learning a new alphabet.