TRIBUTARIES

Jodie Marie Johnson: "Ahh,Valentines Day. The anniversary of the day I met the man I thought was the love of my life. Boy was I wrong. Today I reflect on my past and thank him for all my beautiful children and the lessons I learned. I am so glad I was finally able to get me and my kids out of that life and am so grateful for all the people ...that have come into my life and helped me to start over. Life is good!"

Samantha Klasinski: "nothing like spending valentines day watching a marathon of stories about people who snapped and killed their lovers. gotta love cable"

Megan Penny Wright: "My valentines present today: plenty of sleep and an hour at home alone, not even the dogs are here. So nice."

Gabe Garcia: "makin love to my skateboard for valentines day. shes so pretty"

wax on, wax off

I must admit that I find the ritual of waxing quite peculiar. Don’t get me wrong. It is a ritual I engage in, but a peculiar one all the same. In the days of trapping, one would pay a handsome price for a pelt. Now we pay someone to take ours. The other sensation I find peculiar is being in a room with a stranger, completely naked from the waist down but completely clothed from the waist up. It is like the sort of juvenile, wham-bam-thank you ma’am love that happens in the back seat of a car. I would almost feel more comfortable if I were completely naked. There is more of a feeling of continuity there.
My appointment was for an extended bikini wax. I choose this service because, in my mind, it is the perfect balance between matron and porno crotch. I do not find the idea of having either very appealing. The extension takes enough away so that I feel the vestibule is accessible without taking so much away that I need to use the terminology “bacon strip” while referencing it. Perfect, no?
I walked in and went through the usual motions: discarded bottom vestiges, laid on table and placed the ceremonial towel that is yanked away almost as soon as it is set. The woman began as she does, asking me how life was, pillow talk of sorts. Then, she asks if I “wanted to follow the same lines or try a shape?”
“like what?”
“A heart.”
“A heart?”
“For Valentine’s Day.”
“Really?!”
I am still a bit befuddled by the exchange, but happy to be hairless again.

the mattress mistress

Love hurts. In fact, it literally kills people some people. I do not believe this happens is because love is bad, or evil. Love is pure, like salt. Love also knows no boundaries. This can be dangerous in the wrong person’s hands. The motives of one pursuing love must be as pure as the driven snow, because of love’s all-encompassing elements. When this reverence is not observed the result is devastating. Love will buck and break itself much like a poorly trained pit bull. The ensuing disaster can be fatal. The 1990s brought on such a tragedy for one unlucky man.
He was in his 50s and his quest for love was driven my vanity. He took a young girl to be his beautiful trophy. I thing to dote over and look sweet on his increasingly-aged arm.
I imagine the events to have transpired like this:
He surprised her with a jet-setting trip for a few days, because she loved spontaneity. It reminded him of his younger days and he felt young by proxy. As they wandered through the bustling airport to their departure gate, he got very light-headed and needed to sit down for a spell. He chalked it up to dehydration and did not want to upset his sweet Juliet before their romantic get away.
They had dinner reservations and a night of painting the town red on the agenda. As she primped herself in the suite’s vanity mirror, he presented her with a bejeweled necklace. It resembled a strand of twinkling raindrops resting serenely on her emaciated and protruding collarbone. She loved it!
They enjoyed a four-course meal and the finest of champagne. The bubbles tickled their noses ever so slightly and buoyed their spirits to a state of effervescence. They danced until they believed they could not dance anymore. Then, they danced all the way home.
The intensity of their evening came to a head on the 400-thread count, Egyptian cotton sheets. He loved the moistness of her young, supple skin pressed against the thread-bare dregs of his life-atrophied body while he thrust and thrashed on top of her. She often had a glassy, distant look in her eyes when he exploded and shuddered in the briefest of deaths. He would tell her he often saw a light at the end of the tunnel at the moment he was cumming inside of her. He was preparing himself for the sweet surrender. The flash of bright, vivid colors that flooded his plane of vision and the dancing of the hairs all down his spine. This time instead of color, he saw the best moments of his life and then black.
He was found in an Accra hotel room. The body he left behind was completely void of dress, his mouth brimming with the foam of a rabid dog trying desperately to control an infectious disease. For this man, it was love. He could not keep up with his Juliet and his heart gave out. The young woman left the hotel without declaration and her identity may never be known.
Urban legend has it that the events of his death transpired on Valentine’s Day. Incidentally, no one has ever died on Single’s Awareness Day.

Bah Humbug!

This marks the beginning of my favorite anti-ritual. I do not fancy myself a Scrooge. I can find the good in most things. However, there are some things that I can neither justify nor abide. February is the home to one of these such things—Valentine’s Day. I occurred to me that I don’t know a thing about the holiday that I despise so much. So, this year we are going to start off with a history lesson.

Saint Valentine's Day is an annual holiday held on February 14 celebrating love and affection between intimate companions. [barf] The holiday is named after one or more early Christian martyrs named Valentine and was established by Pope Gelasius I in 496 AD. It is traditionally a day on which lovers express their love for each other by presenting flowers, offering confectionery, and sending greeting cards (known as "valentines"). The holiday first became associated with romantic love in the circle of Geoffrey Chaucer in the High Middle Ages, when the tradition of courtly love flourished.
Numerous early Christian martyrs were named Valentine. The Valentines honored on February 14 are Valentine of Rome (Valentinus presb. m. Romae) and Valentine of Terni (Valentinus ep. Interamnensis m. Romae). Valentine of Rome was a priest in Rome who was martyred about AD 269 and was buried on the Via Flaminia. His relics are at the Church of Saint Praxed in Rome. and at Whitefriar Street Carmelite Church in Dublin, Ireland.
Valentine of Terni became bishop of Interamna (modern Terni) about AD 197 and is said to have been martyred during the persecution under Emperor Aurelian. He is also buried on the Via Flaminia, but in a different location than Valentine of Rome. His relics are at the Basilica of Saint Valentine in Terni (Basilica di San Valentino)
No romantic elements are present in the original early medieval biographies of either of these martyrs. By the time a Saint Valentine became linked to romance in the fourteenth century, distinctions between Valentine of Rome and Valentine of Terni were utterly lost.

Before Chaucer began his flowery writing, romance and Valentine’s were not even mention in the same room let alone the same breath. I am left to marvel at how the connection was ever made? The martyrs weren’t even two lovers. That makes for epic tradition.

I’ll leave you all to ponder this history lesson and I will let the seething begin tomorrow.

Ta Da

Happy V-Day, Singles Awareness Day, Happy "anything but Valentine's" day
Today is a bright, sunny day. Not so damn cold as we've seen in these parts as of late. Tomorrow is the beginning of a long weekend of doing nothing with my lover Harpo. I am hoping it also marks the end of peak flow season for the month. Because when we're not busy doing nothing, I want us to be busy doing it. ha ha.
Anyway, we're going on a secret trip. so, I will not disclose any details for fear that this is the one time Harpo reads my blog.
I'm going to import a list from last year, because I feel the topic is timeless. "Better ways to dedicate your time than with the empty tokens of Valentine's Day"
My suggestions include:
1. name a pinata after an ex-partner. the difference between the pinata and your ex is that there is actually sweetness inside a pinata.
2. for every nice thing you say to a single person, say 5 not-so-nice things to that obnoxious couple ahead of you in line for [insert errand here]. you know who they are: "no i love you more, schmoopy." (or just go out of your way to do something really nice. like when you're buying your local homeless-run newspaper, like i know you were already planning on doing anyway, give them an extra dollar.)
3. fly a kite and/or catch raindrops on your tongue (these are climate-based suggestions).
4. get a foot and/or hand massage. whether you're a man or a woman, your hands and feet work hard and deserve to be treated.
5. replace one green vegetable in your meals with dessert all day, and if you were already planning on eating dessert--double dessert!!
6. just get rid of that box of letters already! (oh, you certainly do know what I'm talking about! ::snap, snap::)
7. part your hair on the opposite side, so you can see how you look to other people.
8. learn the alphabet in a foreign language (or learn the alphabet of your native tongue)
9. try a new food you always thought you would hate, but this time do it pretending you've always thought you'd love it. (this is especially good for people IN relationships to do w/o their significant other. this is good because there isn't anyone there to say "i knew you'd like it!" it can be your little secret).
10. get ridiculously dressed up and go to the grocery store. you'll feel like a celebrity--everyone will stop and look at you.

Just an aside, I parted my hair on the opposite side. I completely forgot it was on my list. Isn't that just a total gas?

V-day

I mentioned Vday in my previous post and realized that some people might not be familiar with it. If this is the case, you are on the wrong blog. For the sake of information dissemination here is the run down.

Mission:
V-Day is an organized response against violence toward women.
V-Day is a vision: We see a world where women live safely and freely.
V-Day is a demand: Rape, incest, battery, genital mutilation and sexual slavery must end now.
V-Day is a spirit: We believe women should spend their lives creating and thriving rather than surviving or recovering from terrible atrocities.
V-Day is a catalyst: By raising money and consciousness, it will unify and strengthen existing anti-violence efforts. Triggering far-reaching awareness, it will lay the groundwork for new educational, protective, and legislative endeavors throughout the world.
V-Day is a process: We will work as long as it takes. We will not stop until the violence stops.
V-Day is a day. We proclaim Valentine's Day as V-Day, to celebrate women and end the violence.


History
V-Day was born in 1998 as an outgrowth of Eve Ensler's Obie-Award winning play, "The Vagina Monologues." As Eve performed the piece in small towns and large cities all around the world, she saw and heard first hand the destructive personal, social, political and economic consequences violence against women has for many nations.

Hundreds of women told her their stories of rape, incest, domestic battery and genital cutting. It was clear that something widespread and dramatic needed to be done to stop the violence. A group of women in New York joined Eve and founded V-Day . . . a catalyst, a movement, a performance.

V-Day’s mission is simple. It demands that the violence must end. It proclaims Valentine’s Day as V-Day until the violence stops. When all women live in safety, no longer fearing violence or the threat of violence, then V-Day will be known as Victory Over Violence Day.
This year V-Day celebrates it's 10th Anniversary on Feb 14th. It exciting that it is still going strong, but sad under the same token.


Facing Resistance
"The struggle is the change." - Eve Ensler

When Eve Ensler first performed The Vagina Monologues in 1996, the word 'vagina' was met with controversy and discomfort. Radio stations refused to say vagina on air, TV stations ran entire segments on the play without mention of the word and newspapers hid under the safety of abbreviation. Eight years later the word vagina is spoken openly on TV and radio and printed freely in papers and magazines all over the world. At times, however, there remains a degree of controversy surrounding V-Day benefit productions of The Vagina Monologues and they occasionally receive resistance from within the communities and colleges where they are held. This resistance however, in a unique way creates the awareness that V-Day strives for with every production. The mission of V-Day is to end violence against women and girls, to break the silence, to make people aware of the violence that affects one in three women in the US and throughout the world. V-Day benefits that are attacked, whether for religious, social or political reasons and regardless of the outcome succeed in this mission. By generating media coverage and starting a worldwide dialogue, controversy and resistance to the V-Day benefit productions of The Vagina Monologues has proven to be part of the very change V-Day seeks.


Violence
Violence against women and girls is widespread - one woman in three will experience violence during her lifetime, most often at the hands of someone she knows.
violence glossary
In order to fully understand the depth, scope and viciousness of violence against women around the world, V-Day has compiled a glossary of the most common faces of violence.
anti-violence resources
Resources for people who are experience violence in their lives, or know someone who is experiencing violence
violence against women statistics
Numerous studies and reports have resulted in equally numerous statistics. Violence against women is a serious problem plaguing the world’s women and girls.


What is your part? V-Action List. You can help end violence against women and girls in your community. Simple concrete steps can change the world.

This goes along with my mission to replace Valentine's as a holiday. Thank goodness for options!

What is...?

What is feminism to me?
Feminism is a commitment to the deconstruction of gendered norms which are produced and are oppressive in function. De Beauvoir echoed this sentiment when she said, “one is not born, but rather becomes a woman.” She challenged the accepted approach of Platonic essentialism, by suggesting that there is no inherent essence of woman; there is only the construction of norms and beliefs which determine her essence. We attach meaning to woman; being the owner of a vagina makes her nurturer, caregiver, other. It is the meaning attached to woman that makes her recognizable as such and treatment is prescribed according to this conscription. Since the ritual of gender is what reifies men and women, feminism needs to be dedicated to the troubling of these rituals.

What is liberal feminism?
Liberal feminism is derived from the philosophy of classical liberalism, which lays emphasis on the idea of individual freedom; we are individuals before we are gendered, classed, etc… Women’s freedom, or equality to men, is accessed through legal reform and is understood in negative terms, to be free from boundaries and obstacles. As a Liberal Feminist, J.S. Mill challenged the “might makes right” notion that designates women as inherently unequal to men. He argued that while women appear to consent to their condition, their lack of protest is just evidence that women have been adequately trained in the art and practice of submission. The arguments Mill made against the subordination of women include a moral argument, the subjection of women is inherently wrong; a modernist argument, subjection looks too similar to a caste system to keep up with the tenets of progress; and a utilitarian argument, holding back half of the population impedes the advancement of civilization. His solution was to remove the obstacles women faced on the road to freedom by granting them the right to vote and opening labor markets and education to female competition.

What is Marxist feminism?
Marxist feminists, such as Kollontai, believed that a person is first a member of a class and women’s equality to men will be achieved through a gender-informed revolution from capitalism to communism. Kollontai was especially concerned with the working woman and her access to motherhood. Propagation is necessary for the livelihood of a nation; it should not be commodified in the form of luxury. She argued that government should fund the move of reproductive labor from to home into the world; which would grant women the freedom of have leisure time. She also believed that child-rearing should be a community event. According to Kollontai, these actions would relieve woman of her triple burden and grant her access to the modern promise of freedom.

What is existential feminism?
Existential feminism is concerned with the dichotomies of self/other, transcendence/immanence, and subject/object. Woman is mythologized in ambiguity as the mantis and the dutiful wife, the virgin and the whore, everything and nothing. According to De Beauvoir, the construction of the woman myth defines and constricts her to the margins; she is the other, the immanent, and the object. De Beauvoir’s undertaking was to dispute the Platonic idea that there is something that is essentially “woman” which determines her destiny, by arguing that instead the treatment woman endures creates the essence that is she. She is not born a woman; it is her existence and the rituals of gender that create her as such. According to De Beauvoir, the world will know when woman is liberated because she will have attained grand stages for transcendence, like man and his Super Bowl.

What to all three have in common?
Liberal, Marxist, and existential feminism are all concerned with securing woman’s right to enjoy the modern promise of freedom. The difference lies in how they define this concept of freedom. As a liberal feminist, J.S. Mill adopted a negative construction of freedom; power is located in the law and state and both need to facilitate the removal of obstacles women face in order to attain freedom. On the other hand, Marxist and existential feminists view freedom in more positive terms; freedom is not found in the absence of obstacles, but instead in the availability of options. For example, Kollontai would argue for “material availability,” or the access to resources. De Beauvoir would prescribe a revolution of cultural mandates, which reify men and women, in order to grant women equal access to the act of transcending immanence, or exceeding essence.


p.s. VDay is hot, but Valentine's day can suck it!

V-Day Q&A

Q: What are the most common Valentine's Day gifts?

Chocolate:
Let's look at Ghana and Côte d'Ivoire. West Africa is the number one cocoa producing location in the world. The production of cocoa is a very arduous process. Currently, cocoa-producing nations get paid roughly a dollar per pound. However, cocoa distributors charge around $17/lb. Quite a pricing disparity. This is made more complicated by the IMF's involvement through structural adjustment policies. Both of the top cocoa-producing countries have loans through the IMF. What happens when a country is indebted, is that the IMF examines their economic structure. This usually means subsistence crops meant to feed communities are cut or eliminated. Then funding is cut for social services. This then attracts foreign investment dollars. Great, right? Or wait, maybe not. The money people are making from cocoa production, which is not much, is earmarked to repay loans. There are fewer resources for subsistence and money-making that way. There are few or no social service supports remaining in tact. As well, the money flowing from foreign investments only benefits those dollars' countries of origin. So, while Côte d'Ivoire and Ghana are top-producing nations, they are likely to get stuck in a cycle of extreme poverty with few options. Higglers are beginning to change the bleak economic outlook, but it may not be enough.
So, give the gift of global economic exploitation with chocolates!

Stuffed animals:
Maybe I'm a humbug, but I cannot see a reason to give the gift of a stuffed animal. Anyone care to help me out? They are great for children and babies. They bring great joy to little ones who hopefully bring joy to others. But giving the gift of a stuffed bear to a grown person seems to be consistent with a trend of infantilization. As well as poor use of resources and the global assembly line. If I am going to be guilty of exploiting the labor of underpaid women, I do not want it to be for an animal that gets shoved in the closet to be forgotten forever.
This year give the gift of exploited wage labor. Look at my snuggly stuffed Maquilladora worker!

Jewelry:
I happen to be of the school of thought that does not believe every kiss begins with "Kay." Why are we ripping rocks out of the ground for vanity's sake? Mining is one of the planet's leading polluters, and is threatening some of the world's most ecologically fragile regions. The environmental impact from diamond mining is much like any other open pit mine, the problems stem from waste disposal,leeching and ground water pollution. Once vegetation and soil is stripped away, salts, irons and other nutrients are not naturally filtered as water seeps into the ground. This allows organisms, nutrients, plus oil and other machine related waste, to enter ground water. Species and habitat loss would change dramatically from site to site and continent to continent, but would always be present.
This year, give the gift of contaminated drinking water! I only drink coke, anyway.

Above all else, enjoy your consumer holiday! Not doing so would be short-sided.

it's that time again

...time for me to kick cupid’s ass and rant...



Valentine's how I loathe thee. Let me count the ways:

First, you place emphasis on coupling. We live in a time when, more than ever before, women and men are able to coexist in perfect harmony--without one another! It is less necessary for women to couple as means of becoming economically whole. Fewer women are living as the parasites of men (thank you Simone De Beauvoir). Celebrating a holiday of couples ignores this amazing triumph. So I say boo!

Second, for people who do happily couple, I hate the idea of reserving one day a year to say "I care." Not good enough. If I am ever in a relationship where I look forward to that one special day of the year, I am so outta there!

Third, what is with the notion that the person you are romantic with trumps all other relationships in your life? I do not get it. I think it revolves around the idea that your partner becomes your life. Barf. Could there be a more disempowering notion? I believe I share a portion of my life with others. Granted the portion I share with my lover is more intimate, I cannot say that it is more important. This makes me think of the band Crass. If you have not heard them, you should. They have a song for almost anything you could be pissed off about. Anyway, on the album Penis Envy, there is a song call Smother Love and it says:
"Love don't make the world go round, it holds it right in place, Keeps us thinking love's too pure to see another face...Love's another sterile gift...That keeps us seeing just the one and others not existing." How this behavior can be considered well-rounded and healthy is what I want to know.

Fourth, do we not even realize that we're being suckered into buying empty tokens of expression and bullshit greeting cards? What are diamonds? What do they say? "Sweet-ums, I love you so much that I've gone into debt to exploit the earth of a precious resource and contribute to the stripping of areas in South Africa, all so I could give you this tiny, clear rock!" Spare me and my earth, DAMMIT!!!

Lastly, it's not the end of the world if you don't have plans on this most holy of days. I was at the MAC make-up counter scheduling a session for the release of their newest line. I told the sales person I was free on Feb 14th and she treated me like a leper. So, just because I have nothing going on for lover's day I must be sad and alone? She told me that after I got my make-up done I'd definitely be able to snag a fella. If I'm alone do I have to be unhappy? If I am coupled do I have to make plans on this day? Am I only desirable when I am made up? If I engage in the practice of making up, am I ipso facto heterosexual? The funny thing about this incident is that I quickly made dinner reservations for my boyfriend and myself for that day. How quickly I can conform when made to feel as though I am not performing my gender or sexuality sufficiently.

While this is not a comprehensive list of woes, it is a good start. Feel free to chime in with your reasons for the abolition of this holiday. We're making gains on Indian Killer day, I mean columbus day. Let's let Valentine's know it's not safe either!

S.A.D. recap

Sadly, I did not have time to learn a new alphabet. I did not take into consideration the fact that I had school and work when I formulated this aspiration. However, I did sport the colors. SEE?! (Just so you know, I knit my top.)

Two of my favorite friends in class also sported the colors with pride. One of them even made me Single Awareness Day flowers.
Work was a total snore and I spent a good portion of it Blogging for Hilltop Yarn. For lunch I ate at the Macrina Bakery for the first time. It was way yummy. If you've never been I suggest you go. The food is amazing and they make a mean cup of Joe.
After I got off work, I walked home and then to heart of the Ballard neighborhood. By that point, I was quite famished. Good thing I was having dinner cooked for me by the lover I've recently added to my collection. Harpo made portobello mushroom caps, salad, green beans, AND mashed potatoes. As well, there was cheesecake. It was all so delicious. He really out did himself and proved his good listening skills. He made all my favorite foods! If after a week of dating, he knows a decent portion of the things that make me very happy, I'd say he's paying attention to me and is worth keeping around for at least a little bit.
Anyway, I didn't get the homework or packing done that I had hoped to. I allow boys to distract me a little more than I should. Though, I would say in retrospect it was worth it. I had quite a lovely Single Awareness Day.
I hope you did, too. Now we can all get on with out lives and tune in to our regularly scheduled Black History Month

An Anti-Valentine's Dissertation

the worst day ever, guess which one? V-day, 2001.
I was on the verge of hair catastrophe--literal catastrophe! like I am so not even kidding. I could go into details, but I am assuming you care even less to hear about it than I care to tell you about it. at any rate, the only answer was surgery. it had to come off. keep in mind, I hadn't had short hair since I was 10 and let my drunk uncle give me a "trim." short hair was a devastating idea for me, but I had to face it. when they wheeled me into the recovery room and let me look at myself, I was devastated.
I needed to self medicate, so I went to the mall. I picked out my v-day outfit: cute black, cap sleeve shirt with an even cuter red, knee-length skirt. Still not hyped on the hair. So, I did what any rational gal in my position would do, I bought a red sparkly headband. yay!
well, the night was upon me and it was seriously cold. My thought was pants! pants under skirts were way in style back then. So, I put black pants under my red skirt. way cute! next challenge to conquer--flippy faux sideburns. my hair had been long for so long, I’d forgotten that it was curly. the flippies would not be subdued, so I stuck the headband on and convinced myself of my undying cuteness.
the doood comes over--we'll call him bahama-vention.
guess what the 1st thing he said was? I’ll give you a hint. it wasn't happy valentine's day. not I love you. not even hello. it was: "what's wrong with your hair?" on the way to the restaurant, Los Dos Molinos, he made a comment about my outfit being embarrassing and some other ass facey comment. I had expectations of a good evening. included in those expectations was not the idea that I’d be crying before I set my foot on pavement. so, I told him we could have a nice meal or he could continue to be an asshole. he opted for nice dinner.
while we waited for a table a handful of random strangers came up to me and complimented me for everything bahama-vention had insulted me for. it was sweet bliss. I grinned to myself. a couple weeks later, I went on a date with an ex-boyfriend and bahama-vention and I broke up.
From that day forward I vowed to never celebrate v-day again and I’m sticking to it.
so, now let's nevermind that I am having dinner with a man that evening. it is not for v-day. in fact it is only because we're both going out of town on Thursday.
So don't give me no crap!!

Death to Cupid

Well I want everyone to close your eyes, take a deep breath and reflect. Think about what you were doing this time last year and now think think about what you're doing right now--thinking about how you haven't gotten your lover a gift! Ok. Great. Have I got your heart good and pumping? Well, relax. It's not too late to purchase something meaningful for your loved one(s). However, it will be soon--very soon. So, don't put it off until wednesday. I promise you'll regret it.
If you are in the "do-gooder" boat that really wants to woo mr/ms/mrs/miss with something special, I have some tips for you. I have been watching a lot of television this month, so I know what I am talking about here.
so, without further ado. Here they are:

The Manic Hispanic's Top 10 Tips for a Successful V-Day!
Tip #1: No expensive jewelry. Actually. No jewelry period. This is the worst idea ever and I'll tell you why. One word--ANNIVERSARY!!! If you do jewelry on v-day then you have to one-up-yourself on the important relationship milestones! So do yourself a favor and low ball this one.
Tip #2: chocolates and flowers are trite, but safe. If you don't want to rock the boat, stick with this one. However, if you do want to rock the boat buy something practical that they would never ever buy for themselves, like a belt or an electronics adapter. I guarantee sparks will fly.
Tip #3: Pajama Gram and Vermont Teddy Bear--don't even go there. If I have to repeat myself I will rain fire and brimstone upon everything you hold near and dear. Trust me and just don't go there!
Tip #4: buying sexy underwear intended for your partner's use is inconsiderate at best. "here, special lover. i bought you a gift to put on and prance around for me, while i drink a beer and pretend to be interested. do you like it?" However, if you must buy sexy underwear--wear it yourself and strut, strut, strut!!
Tip #5: Don't give away cards written by someone else. You're better off not giving a card at all!
Tip #6: Don't listen to me. What the hell do I know anyway?
Tip #7: Romantic is a picnic and slow dancing at the space needle--not dinner at the olive garden.
Tip #8: Turn your phone off for the day. You wouldn't believe how nice it is to have someone's undivided attention for a day--even if it IS the worst day of the year!
Tip #9: No cliches. Try to be genuine for a day. It will only sting for a second.
and lastly...
Tip #10: what ever you do NO SCENTED CANDLES!!! worst gift ever.


Now see, doesn't Single's Awareness Day seem much better than this? You don't have to worry about any of this crap!

Happy Day to all!

he tried to kill independant shanny

So, the other night I went out with Sasha Wigglesworth. We started out by going to Walgreen’s and buying painfully domestic items making us look like lesbian life partners—especially considering that I was carrying her toilet paper around the store and she was buying medicine for her cat. I felt like yelling: "we're only lesbians from the waist up!!"
Then, we went to some hole-in-the-wall, dive bar. I ended up drinking a little much, as it is what I do. I also ended up dancing a bit, as that is also what I do. When the bartender laid down the law, and by that I mean the "it's 2 am, get out of my dirty bar" law, we decided we absolutely needed pizza. We went to QFC. We picked up two cheese pizzas, muchos chips and ice cream. This seemed like the best possible idea. YAY!
We took are smorgasbord of crap to Boz Scabs’ apartment. While we were there, this boy kept insisting I sit by him. For the sake of this conversation, we will call him Cap'n Underpants. So, Cap'n Underpants kept putting his little boy arm around my man eater shoulders and whenever I tried to talk to my friends, Cap'n Underpants kept pulling me back under his chicken little wing. I'm an enthusiastic gal—incidentally, not so enthusiastic about a tether. For cripe's sake! I'm a person, not a bird of prey! During the course of the evening he asked if I was "taken." I replied "no. I don't get taken" and he said that was surprised that a great gal like me wasn't "taken." this was all too juvenile for me to take in all at once. I didn't know from which angle to attack it.
First, there was the Cap’n’s choice of words. Why the hell do I need to be taken? This implies an element of ownership that I am just not comfortable with. It’s not like I’m a really nice handbag that you come across at Value Village and think: “geez, why isn’t this taken?”
When we're not taken, are we really always looking? That doesn't seem like a productive way to live and appreciate life. If I were actually taken, then I wouldn't be able to get drunk and make out with strangers! And, as we all know, this is my life's work.
Also, does the fact that I am not owned by anyone make me a less great gal? Because, in case you need me to tell you, I am a very great gal! I’m so great, I've got greatness spilling out of my butt!
Then there was the fact that it all felt so high school. "Are you taken? No. And you? No" BAM!! True love! yea. I don't really think so.
I'm not really sure what he was thinking, but I'm quite sure I would probably crush him.
I don't need empty proclamations about me being awesome. I know I'm awesome! I'm my number one fan. What I want to hear is insightful evidence of what makes me awesome. I don’t need to be convinced that I’m fabulous, but I need to be convinced that this fact is fully understood.
I also know that one could never hope to comprehend and embrace all of my complexities in one drunken evening. Anyone who attempts this will always seem patronizing. That's my rule
However, the most compelling reason why I could not find it in myself to jive with Cap'n Underpants--it's too close to Single's Awareness Day! I look forward to this day every year and he wanted to steal that from me. He wanted to try to make me celebrate VALENTINE'S DAY! How dare he?!? Independent Shanny would be crushed; she needs this day.
This is the most significant reason why I had to wriggle myself out of his vice grip and get the hell out of dodge. It was the most liberating hung over bus ride ever!
This event has given me the feeling that this month will be a battle for my soul. I'll have only my cunning to protect me. I'll have to be on my toes, but I think I can thwart any evil attempt at evasive charm tactics that I may encounter.
So far the war tally is BOYS: 0 SINGLE'S AWARENESS DAY: 1
Evil doers beware! In this mission, failure is not an option

heartache or toothache?

Well, it's that time of year again. the time when all the couples in the world pair up and forget the existence of all other human life. actually, my truthiness statistic shows that nearly 90% of all couples break up on or around Valentine's Day. If you have not experienced this phenomenon, then you're dodging a bullet that surely cannot be dodged for much longer.
My point? I find it better to celebrate a different holiday than the violent, fat, naked baby holiday pushed by greeting card and chocolate companies. What's the holiday you ask? Why it's Single's Awareness Day! On this day you will find me in neither pink nor red, for the colours of S.A.D are navy and chartreuse.
How do you celebrate this wonderful holiday? Another good question.

My suggestions include:
1. name a pinata after an ex-partner. the difference between the pinata and your ex is that there is actually sweetness inside a pinata.
2. for every nice thing you say to a single person, say 5 not-so-nice things to that obnoxious couple ahead of you in line for [insert errand here]. you know who they are: "no i love you more, schmoopy." (or just go out of your way to do something really nice. like when you're buying your local homeless-run newspaper, like i know you were already planning on doing anyway, give them an extra dollar.)
3. fly a kite and/or catch raindrops on your tongue (these are climate-based suggestions).
4. get a foot and/or hand massage. whether you're a man or a woman, your hands and feet work hard and deserve it.
5. replace one green vegetable in your meals with dessert all day, and if you were already planning on eating dessert--double dessert
6. just get rid of that box of letters already!
7. part your hair on the opposite side, so you can see how you look to other people.
8. learn the alphabet in a foreign language (or learn the alphabet of your native tongue)
9. try a new food you always thought you would hate, but this time do it pretending you've always thought you'd love it. (this is especially good for people IN relationships to do w/o their significant other. this is good because there isn't anyone there to say "i knew you'd like it!" it can be your little secret).
10. get ridiculously dressed up and go to the grocery store. you'll feel like a celebrity--everyone will stop and look at you.

the great thing about this holiday is that you don't actually have to be single to celebrate it. just like you don't have to be African American to celebrate Black History Month, which I might add is this month as well. You just have to be willing to spend a consumer holiday not being a consumer whore! instead, grab a pal (your Single Awareness Partner) and do whatever fills your fancy--you know you want to!
Let me know if you want me to be your S.A.P., I'll be learning a new alphabet.
xo